Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
