i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
