I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
