The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
