Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
