I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
