Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.