i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I need a beard to bite.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
