EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.