I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
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There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
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I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?