I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
