He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
