Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
