No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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