i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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