I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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