My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
