Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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