I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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