Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
