Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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