I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
