You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
