She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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