are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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