Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm like, not good at living.