My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
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you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
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Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it