my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Randomize
