We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol