i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
