Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
