I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
