I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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