I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
