Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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