he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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