Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
