got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
