Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
