I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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