marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
