as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He shit in the fireplace
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
