Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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