i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
