Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
