i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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