sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
