I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
