Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
