I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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