my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
