I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
