Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
