I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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