i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
