Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
