dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
