I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize