I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
