You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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